Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Terrorism Unveiled

*warning contains mature language (multiple syllables, proper spelling and correct grammar, but plenty of run on sentences), unmeant racial slurs and sarcasm*

Did you notice the title? Kind of funny since we know that all terrorist's girlfriends and wives wear veils...

If you were surprised by the "Christmas Plane Bomber" then please stop reading and return to watching the "TV land" network. The only part that surprised me was that it took so long to happen.

So, what did our newest illegal immigrant who is sucking the life out of our health care system (he was badly burned and we are giving him free health care at the University of Michigan - something no American is entitled to) teach us with his failed attempt?

(1) That I have been correct all along that the new screening programs that we and our allies have employed are a colossal waste of money and totally ineffective.

(2) That we all have to recognize what our gut instincts have always known, if there is a will, there is a way and NOTHING will prevent our enemy from blowing up planes - sooner or later.

(3) That our best defense against terror attacks are (1) bystanders who are willing to beat the crap out of a the guy or gal sitting next to them that is trying to light a bomb and (2) some training in the use of fire extinguishers.

Apparently, our governments and the governments of our allies have learned nothing, but that will NOT stop them from over-reacting and doing more stupid things, like further restricting our ability to take deodorant and toothpaste in our carry-ons and not allowing us to mess about in our carry on luggage during the last hour of a flight. I find that both of these moves hinder, rather than help in our fight against enemy attacks.

Without deodorant and toothpaste, ALL passengers on my plane will smell dirty, so how am I supposed to identify the true Islamic Extremist without the tell tale sweaty, foul breathed smell?

Secondly, if we can't get into our luggage during the last hour of the flight, the enemy will have to sew their bomb components in their underwear ........ never mind.

I have an idea, how about when a guy's dad calls your embassy and tells them that his kid has lost his mind and joined a cult that likes killing Americans, maybe we should not let that guy's son fly until some investigation (including his luggage, underwear, ass cavity and Ipod) is performed.

I am CERTAIN that increasing the amount of screening that is performed on me will NEVER prevent an attack.... well that is not completely true. If this silliness continues, I may be forced to switch sides.

The good news for our enemy is that they are slowly and methodically gaining insight into how to bring down a commercial airliner. So if you figure that they try a new method every 6 months and that it takes 4-8 trials to perfect it and if you understand that this is the 3rd or 4th person that we have "caught in a failed attempt" and that we catch about half of their operatives, logic would say that we are within 6 months of the next plane being blown up.

See, this is a war and the guys running the show are not "crazed terrorist", they are warriors. They are our enemy. And the way that war works is that you do bad shit to the other side, until they give up or die. Typically, you wage a political, propaganda, overt and covert war. (that is the way that the US used to do war until we decided that the political, propaganda and covert parts were too difficult, time consuming and did not make our defense contractors rich enough)

So our enemy is acting overtly in Afghanistan, Iraq, Somalia, Yemen, Pakistan and India, while acting covertly in those countries and in the UK, Germany and the US (among others). Politically, they are acting in Iran, Pakistan, Syria, Lebanon and Palestine. Propaganda wise they are EVERYWHERE. (wonders if Simon Cowell is their Minister of Propaganda)

Here are some tools that you may wish to use to help you deal with the war that we are engaged in:

(1) As soon as you stop seeing these people and organizations as "crazed terrorists" and start seeing them as a legitimate enemy with an agenda and a strategy, the sooner that you will be able to not only understand what and why they do what they do, but possibly understand how to make yourself REALLY feel safer.

(2) Talk to your government leaders and ask them to:

(a) Not waste more money on the TSA budget, in fact I would recommend eliminating the TSA and screening altogether. In order to fly, each person would be required to have a license. In order to get that license you must be proficient in the use of martial arts and firearms and you must take your hands, feet and gun with you on the plane. Also, you have the authority to strip search any passenger at any time. In order to make it all seem logical, free alcohol should be served to all customers, starting in the boarding lounge. Another option would be to anesthetize every passenger and wake them up after landing.

(b) Develop and Implement an Energy policy that eliminates (not reduces, but eliminates) our dependence on foreign oil AND improves our environment.

(c) Treat Israel like any other country and not like they are "God's chosen people" and that "a Strong Israel will facilitate the second coming of Jesus". Although it is true that a strong Israel could eventually lead to the end of the Human Race in a massive war (Armageddon), I see no reason to push toward that end anytime soon. I don't hate Jews, I just don't like them any more than non-Jewish Arabs.

(d) Draft a constitutional amendment and get it passed that requires 2 years of mandatory national service (military, medical, social work, infrastructure development, foreign aide) at the age of 18 AND adds the right to health care into the Bill of Rights. This will help us fight terrorism, because it will humble many young Americans and teach them the value of human life and humanity itself and after my slovenly, self-centered generation and everyone over 22 dies off, the world will be a better place and Americans will be respected.

(e) Kill anyone and everyone that wishes to do us harm. Hey, I am not into wars, but I am into killing those that wish to kill me and my family and friends. Quit fucking around with "nation building" and "delivering democracy" to people that don't want or need it. Spend our resources on killing bad guys, killing those that help bad guys (a.k.a. bad guys) and blowing up, burning and destroying their camps, bank accounts, communications networks and goats. (I will miss Feta cheese if it becomes extinct) If an cleric, president, protester or prostitute shouts "death to America" take $500 out of the $1Trillion defense budget and buy an assassin a plane ticket to go over and kill them. Eventually we will get them all. We could always blow up one of their planes for every one of ours they blow up. (sells Emirates stock when market opens tomorrow)

(f) Do something to help Africa, that does not include the use of our military or "nation building" 0r "delivering democracy". Anything, just do something, its a fucked continent with lots of starving kids and that fact makes me sad.

I am sure that over course of the next 6 months (the maximum time frame until they successfully blow up one of our commercial jets), I will offer more ideas, but until then, please attend your martial arts classes regularly and mail this post to your government representatives each week, on a day of your choosing.



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